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Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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from this point on, i'm not gonna be updating this journal. livejournal .. well, sucks. i'd rather use my own blog now that i have it up and working. please bookmark www.t0ad.net for all your froggy needs from now on. thanks.
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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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oh yeah. new computer is finally stablized and running smoothly .. and fast as all hell. heres the rundown for the techies out there:
Pentium 4 2.8c HT Enabled - stock.. for now
Abit IC7-MAX3 i875P Mobo
1GB Mushkin Black Level II PC3500 DDR
Hercules Radeon 9800 Pro 128MB - stock.. again, for now
2 36GB Western Digital Raptor 10K RPM SATA Drives in RAID0 (jesus christ fast)
Pioneer DVD-RW 106
Vantec Stealth 470w PSU
Dtek Custom Watercooling system, WhiteWater block, Pro Heatercore, 1/2" tubing
..its nice. pictures: here here here here here here here and here. UV reactive cold cathodes are still coming soon. then the water and cable sleeving will glow a nice eerie blue to complete the package. It's name? Cortana, after the lovely lady that helped guide me through hordes of Covenant forces back on that godforsaken ring.
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Saturday, September 13th, 2003
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so, i just got up a little while ago. yes, its 3:43pm. it was an interesting night of sleep, i'll give it that. Once again i suffered a random bout of sleep paralysis, which i do from time to time. that link is quite interesting, actually. last night was the first night that i 'hallucinated' during sleep paralysis though. at least, i think it was. i'm not sure if it was just dreams or hallucinations, but i had QUITE a few of them.
basically, sleep paralysis works like this (on me) .. i'm laying there attempting sleep, and i'll finally slip away .. but not completely. my eyes will open slightly, and i can hear myself breathing. i can feel the intense pressure on my chest as described at that link, pretty much like someone is sitting on me. i can move my limbs, but just barely. i really have to try hard to move enough to snap myself out of experiencing this weirdness. last night, I thought i'd go along with it and just float in it.
Now usually, i have little control over what i do during this time. i'm usually just thinking to myself, 'god not this again, i gotta move..' and i'll eventually stir myself awake. If i move my body afterwards to where i'm laying in a different position, then the sleep paralysis wont bother me anymore that night. it's truly strange. some nights, it happens if i lay on my back. others, it'll be if i'm on my right side.. and if i dont change my position after waking up fully, then i'll just slip back into the paralysis again.
anyway, last night I was unusually aware of my current situation, so i decided to just let whatever happens happen, even though the pressure in my head and chest becomes somewhat painful after a short time. sure enough, something happened. I started moving around my house. it was all dark, but i could see somehow. out of body experience? maybe. or maybe it was just one of these hallucinations. i was fully aware of what was happening, too. the funny thing was, after i realized what was happening, i decided to test my out-of-bodyness by going through a wall, only to whack my 'head' against it and fall over. my sense of humor never quite leaves me no matter what :P
that snapped me back into 'reality' slightly, as i was still floating limbo in sleep paralysis world. i sat there, just staring into the darkness of my bedroom, waiting for something else to happen. sure enough it did. and it kept happening like this over and over. i must've had at least 10 seperate dream/hallucinations. i cant remember much of any except the first one there, and the last, which i recall very vividly.. i was in a beautiful waterpark of some sort, with a bunch of random people, a couple of which i know in real life. we were just kinda .. sliding around and splashing and having fun. it was a fun, calming dream. i remember one particular part of the dream had a couple of friends i havent seen since highschool going up in a hot air balloon, only to goof around and have it toss them into a tree. everyone in the park was laughing.. heh. i can only guess this was a dream more than a hallucination caused by sleep paralysis, as i was fully aware of the situation all the other times except this one. alas, somewhere around this point, i woke up, and here i am.
sleep is a very odd thing. when i used to be really freaked out by it, i told my parents about it. my dad said he also suffers from the same things sometimes.. the sense of being sort of awake, but not quite able to move. guess i inherited it? i used to think i was floating on the edge of death when it happened, and i really was scared by it, but after researching it i've come to realize it's just another odd thing our brains can do. i still really dont believe in telepathy and all that psychic jazz, but this condition has been scientifically documented, and hell, i do it myself. people reading this might go 'wtf whatever' but hey .. it's real. i know.
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Friday, August 29th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:52 am. |
| Mood: |  okay. |
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t0ad
is worn out. |
| Sleep when you're dead! Whether it's emotionally or physically, you're exhausted. Have you considered sleeping pills? I took them when I had mono, and they made everything better. |
brought to you by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) interim32. wanna know your livejournal's mood ring
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Livejournal Mood Ring
WORD. both hit the nail on the head.
have i mentioned that i'm just too lazy to write in this now?.. or did you notice that already. why bother voicing opinions on the internet, its pretty much like winning the special olympics.. you're still retarded.
long stories short, had a great time in colorado, its fucking gorgeous, i want to live there (but not in the winter), i hate working, and i'm still single. wee. as for now, i'm out .. for probably a long time. Chief says hi.
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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more later, when i'm actually awake. work is gay.
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Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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welp, todays the day. the day i leave this boring asscrack of a state and head off to colorado to be with m'ladies ^^ and i'm still not totally packed. god i'm a procrastinator of the worst degree. oh wait, my camera batteries just finished charging .. I'M OFFICIALLY DONE PACKING! alright .. everything's ready to go. 5 1/2 hours. *is giddy*
i'll be back on the 21st for those of you who notice i'm not online 24 hours a day anymore for awhile ^^ baibai peoples
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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| Time: | 11:37 am. |
| Mood: |  awake. |
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...
AH WUV YEW TEESA *snuggles~~~*
anyway, i need to go out and get my haircut and pick up my games from work and my moms package from the post office and wash the hideously dirty car. ciao!
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welp, still dunno if we're fired yet. i'm sure work will be gay as usual today. nathan's quitting this week apparantly, so it'll be a fun week. oh, and i got my webcam, woo~
also sold seperately here.
that is all!
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| Time: | 2:07 am. |
| Mood: |  impressed. |
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okay, simply put, Pirates of the Caribbean was the shit. Johnny Depp MADE that fucking movie. absolutely great. i still need to go see LXG, though. I'm sure ol Sean Connery wont let me down there.
anyways .. yeah. I'm planning on taking a little vacation with Jen and Teesa out to Colorado at a nice resort that my friend Brian works at. he can get me a nice sized room for cheap, which is good. we'll be spending a week there relaxing and having fun i'm sure. i really need to just get away from here for awhile and be with my loved ones. i'm tired of thinking about the shit that's gone on around here.
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| Time: | 9:49 am. |
| Mood: |  tired. |
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why am i still awake? why does it still hurt? why does everything suck so much?
...
thankfully, i get to escape from it all for a week next month. god, do i ever need to.
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well, that's that. she chose him over me .. and i don't really blame her for it in the end. i did the exact same thing when i got dumped the first time. i clinged to the hope that it would work again, but in the end i only hurt myself more. in all honesty, i hope it doesnt work, because i want to be the one that comforts her and makes her feel happy and special, just like she deserves.
oddly enough, i dont hate her. quite the opposite, really. and to all my friends, i ask you, please dont hate her either. what happened is understandable, if you've been in the same spot yourself.
Jacque .. i still care a lot about you. i want you to be happy. i want to be the one who does it. if anything bad happens to you again from this, i swear to you he will pay. this, i promise. and i'll be here for you .. waiting. waiting..
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| Time: | 3:19 am. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. |
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thank you Teesa, you do me a world of good sometimes. ^^
bedtime is naoo
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ladies and gentlemen, my heart has been crushed. and you know what? i still love her.
i do not wish to elaborate at this point. that is all.
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yeah, i feel pretty dumb. i worried about jacque basically the entire day, and all the while she was just napping at home quietly after her movies. its just weird for her to not answer her cellphone, you know? so i worry! its what i do with people i care a whole lot about :/
about last night. started off great. ended shitty. picked up my girl and headed up to Unos for more kareoke. we met up with all sorts of people there and proceeded to have a good time. Jacque sang Heaven, and very nicely might I add. and god, was she ever hot. tight bluejeans, tight green tanktop, half unbuttoned, and a beautiful black bra. mmm mmmm damn. ..anyways, we had some drinks and continued to have a good time laughing and whatnot. Katie was up there with us, and thank god she was. more on that later.
we all head over to Eat'n'Park later on and have a bit to eat and more talking and semidrunken laughter, when wouldn't you know .. he calls her. yeah, him. i knew who it was immediately from Jacque's reaction. my heart sank. she talked to him for a bit, and then let me know that 'i wouldnt need to give her a ride home after all.' .. fuck. she runs off, so i chase her down in the girls restroom. like i fucking care at this point.
at this point in time, a million thoughts are going through my head. i dont know what to do, but i know what i didnt want to do, and that was let her go that night. this is where Katie came in. she comforted me when i really needed it here, and I'll be eternally grateful for that. thank you, Katie. to make a long story short, I gave in .. I put my trust into her not to do anything stupid, and to make the right choices. then, after a rather painful goodbye .. i let her go. i drove off.
I passed the entrance to her road. I stared blankly at the signs ahead of me. at the next intersection, I said 'fuck it.' and did a sharp U-turn. I sped off, and up her road. I parked in the driveway beside her house, and waited in my car. for 2 hours. I'm sorry Jacque, but my brain just couldnt convince my heart in that situation. eventually i just gave up, and headed home before i fell asleep in some stranger's driveway. as i get home around 6am, so does she. too tired to really talk much, i gave in again and let her go. again.
i finally drifted off to an uncomfortable sleep, full of horrible dreams that i honestly cant recall any detail from. i just remember that they involved the 2 of us, and they werent good at all. the rest of today was shit, save for the brief moment that I got to hug Jacque tight. part of me wants to know exactly what was said that night after i left, and part of me is afraid to know. I just hope the right things were said. I love you, Jacque.
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| Time: | 3:55 am. |
| Mood: |  mischievous. |
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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test
well how bout that. i'm not really THAT evil. i need more sex. *pokes jacque* ;P sorry, minds are totally in the gutter tonight. kelly is a funny girl.
..oh, and I have a GREAT quote straight from the mouth of m'lady, but I said i wouldnt put it here. lets just say it was hilarious and leave it at that. :P
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yay for today! got up at 1:30, threw myself together and headed out to pick up Jacque after her shift. we head out to her place and upon arriving i see a little note attached to the doorhandle. crap. they came too early -_- oh well, suprise was pretty much ruined at this point. i called them up and they said they could deliver it before 5, which is = yay. kelly stopped by to pick up some cds for jacque's laptop that shes borrowing, apparantly a virus ate the windows install on it. afterwards we watch some more music videos and funny thingies of random variety.
she has a very nice place, by the way. she showed me several neat and cute things of hers, including a very pretty painting of herself overseas when she was just a baby. cuuuuutteeee ^^ around this time a doorbell rings, and its the delivery guy here to drop off my present: a small vase containing a single red rose. the local flower shop did very well with it. i'll spare you all the inscription on the card, its way too cheesy for you people. ;P we then sat down to look through her hippie shopping catalog, full of magical things and such. many pretty dresses and shirts in there that i would like to see her in :D her mom comes home now, and proceeds to go shopping shortly afterwards. i think she liked the rose too. i found it rather funny that she said 'now i want you on your best behavior' before she left :P~
so after that, we get up and go downstairs to watch Legend. yes, i'd never seen it before, sadly enough. and i must say, it was a very impressive movie considering how long ago it was done. very sweet and touching too. all the while we're watching i just nuzzle jacque and proceed to sigh happily ^^ very nice evening. you know, she plays the piano pretty well. the fact that she can do the Muppet Babies theme on it is just GREAT, haha. as it nears 7:30, it was time to say our goodbyes, sealed with oh-so-sweet kisses of course.
on a more serious note, I left because her father was coming into town for the evening. he unfortunately has cancer, and is going in for surgery tomorrow morning. although i havent met or heard much of him, I wish the best of luck and hope to you and your family. i truly hope it goes well. Kelly is apparantly staying over at her house tonight to keep her company, which I know she needs. *reaches through the phoneline and snuggles Jacque* I'm here for you as well, sweetie. If you need anything, just let me know. I'll most likely be here all day tomorrow .. although i have to get my oil changed. hmm..
anyway, i think my parents want me to help them move stuff around in the kitchen. they basically bought a new one. hooray for new not crappy appliances!
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just .. wow. well, here it is, 5:05am, and i'm just getting off the phone with my dear Jacque. what a great little conversation that was. basically, we started off with her asking me 20 questions about my little 'present' for her. naturally i was totally hazy with my responses, because i want it to be a suprise for once :P she was so sweet, acting all flustered and cursing my name. that sounds funny, doesnt it? ;p
well, needless to say she has no idea, much to my delight. now, she turns the tables on me. apparantly earlier in the evening i had called her by her full name for the first time, Jacqueline. a very graceful and dignified name if you ask me, by the way. this set her off into a mumble that i missed, and she covered it up quite well. thankfully as the night wore on, i managed to wear down her defenses (mwahaha) and get it out of her. apparantly a thought had crossed her mind related to a romantic comedy she had seen, and apparantly the way i had said her name sounded like it was supposed to be followed by the phrase, 'will you marry me?' oh my.
so, after we're both done gasping for air after that little bombshell, we settle down and talk about it. i personally think its both romantic and extremely sweet of a thought. we ended up confessing a few daydreams to each other, each one more sappy than the last. she actually found the fact that i stared at her application that she put in with us for days to be adorable, whereas i thought i was just a huge loser. hah :P this was really a heartwarming conversation, people. i wish everyone could have the same feelings i'm experiencing right now.
Jacqueline, you're a real sweetheart. never change. i shall see you this evening, m'lady~ weeee~~~
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stumping jacque is fun. guess you'll just have to wait until this evening to see what it is then, eh? :P silly girl.
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blargh. today was a very boring workday, especially for a sunday. sundays are usually National Trade-in-your-old-shit-and-annoying-the-fuck-out-of-Don day, but this one was different. only 1 single game tradein. yay! tonight is inventory, and i pray that goes well. i really dont want to look for another job right now, I have enough going on.
on that note, the lovely Jacque and I headed off for a relaxing dinner at Chilis after work. we ended up writing back and forth to each other on a napkin, much like an instant messenger program. sad, really. :P i'll hang on to that, along with the first shopping list she wrote for me. ah, memories. unfortunately she had a rather early curfew tonight since she had to clean her room (the warzone), so i had to take her home far too soon for my tastes. god, snuggling with her is like magic and rainbows and happy dancing fairies .. in snuggle form. or something. i have no idea what that means. actually, i do. it feels GOOD :D
and one more thing. there's this one fucking worthless bum that's infested the mall as of late, and i'm getting really fucking tired of seeing him. bugs me at work, bugs me walking to my car, BUGS ME WITH JACQUE. THE LINE HAS BEEN CROSSED, BITCH. i swear to god, if you didnt waste your fucking life smoking crack and fucking whores, maybe you'd have time to get a decent job and deserve to live like the rest of us. until then, stop using up my oxygen, you pathetic waste of flesh and bone. of course, he'll never read this, since he probably cant read or write or anything. i guess all they teach nowadays is how to annoy the shit out of ME. :E
but i digress. Jacque is just too adorable for words sometimes. her cute little smile brightens my day ^^ thank you very much for popping into my life, hon. maybe i'm not so unlucky afterall.
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well today was once again uneventful, up until this evening. i was bored and kinda bleh, so jeff called and asked me if i wanted to do anything with matt and them. well, i figured since jacque was off doing her things until later, i'd go ahead. 9:15pm rolls around and he gets here. i'm getting ready to up and leave when once again fortune smiles down upon me, and the phone rings. its jacque, wai~ apparantly her stuff was cancelled, and she asked me if i wanted to go see 28 Days Later. hell yeah i do!
so we race off and i pick her up at the mall, then we're off to Marquee. fart around a bit until jeff and matt show up, and then we go in. the movie was pretty creepy, though not as scary as Wrong Turn *shudder* .. it was alright overall. the best part of the movie, and with every movie ive seen lately, was the fact that i finally get to snuggle up with my special lady in a relatively quiet, peaceful situation. of course, her cellphone continues to bug us even if its on vibrate mode. shes just too popular for a loser like me. ;P
after that ended we all went outside and talked for a bit, and i planned to head up to jeffs after dropping her off at home. well, that kinda never happened, heh. we both ended up going to walmart for a bit of shopping. honestly, shes so fun to be with at times like these, all bouncing around happylike and cute as ever. she really makes me feel warm and squishy on the inside ^^ i got her a couple of cds and she found me a cute froggykeychain thingie to get for myself.
we finally get back to her place after her mom kept pestering us every once in awhile, and unfortunately she's hanging out the front door waiting for jacque to come in, so are goodbye was a bit more brief than i was hoping for :P apparantly just before leaving she almost said the phrase i've been wanting to hear.. one she did say to me on the phone one night after we'd both reached the point of Absolute Sleepiness. she may not remember, but I sure do. ^^ hopefully tomorrow will be as pleasant. we both get off work at the same time, and perhaps i can persuade her into dinner or something like that.
so yeah .. around this time its almost 2:30 .. needless to say jeff and matt werent still up there at his place. whoops. sorry for the blowoff guys, but girls make you do that sometimes. anyways .. 3:33am .. i wish for jacque to be mine forever.
hows that for blunt and obvious? :P
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happy.
curious.
anxious.
blah.
numb.
crushed.
devious.
